I’m wondering if you can suggest a direction for a problem I have. I find myself entangled in a multi-layer dispute with my birth family. I am wondering what you think is the best place to take such issues. Does it make sense to follow a mediation path or is there another route to take? I think the goal is to have a place where we can come together and be heard and hopefully reconcile our differences or, if that’s not possible, create a basis to understand each other and understand how to relate to each other so that we don’t continue to create harm in our relationship.
Any insight you can provide in terms of direction is appreciated. My birth family is located in San Jose and my family is located in Santa Rosa.
Thank you,
David
Dear David,
Thank you for your inquiry. I am pleased to be able to respond to your questions.
I think of three possibilities for helping your family:
1. Mediation. From the little you told me, assuming your family members are willing to participate, mediation would be a very appropriate option for your family. It would offer you a way to have a constructive conversation in which to talk about your experience, what is important to you and ideas for making things better. Mediation could lead to reconciliation – or, as you say, at least increase your understanding of one another and the situation in order to ease the discomfort and prevent further disintegration of the family. A mediator would help you in many ways. Mediators all manage their cases differently, but the approach I take (and teach) in adult family conflicts is to have confidential conversations with all of the family members prior to the mediation in order to understand how they view the situation, what they would like to accomplish in mediation, what the issues are and what they need in order to set the stage for a quality conversation. I also use this time to answer questions the parties have about mediation and to help them prepare for meeting together. Thereafter, I develop a mediation plan, which everyone reviews and I revise until all parties agree with the approach. We then meet together, according to the plan, depending on the situation and the location of the participants, for a day-long session or several shorter sessions.
2. Therapy. If your family members are open to therapy, this would be a good option. The difference between mediation and therapy are, in part, are that it is generally longer-term and has the goal of developing insight and changing behaviors of the family members, as well as healing the relationships within the family. When people choose mediation instead of therapy, as a rule it is because some or all of the family members are not sufficiently committed, trusting or optimistic to enter into a therapeutic relationship with a therapist along with their family. For more information and guidance on maintaining your health, you can also check this helpful resource at www.insidecbd.net.
3. Conflict coaching. When family members won’t agree to mediation or therapy, a third option is to meet separately and see what you can do on your own to help the situation. When I meet with motivated family member(s), like you, we explore the situation in depth in order to enhance the party’s understanding of the conflict and his or her self-awareness in relationship to it, clarify goals and intentions, develop a plan for addressing the conflict and, if necessary, work on skills and personal qualities required for implementing the plan.
I encourage you to keep trying and make it better, in whatever way you can. Daunting as the prospect of working it out is, even more daunting is living with ongoing separation, as I am sure you know.
With my best regards,
Dana
About Dana Curtis